


Rise and Fall

by RoseyWinter



Series: A Side of Sanders Shots [22]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Autistic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27569878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseyWinter/pseuds/RoseyWinter
Summary: Roman is finally starting to feel better and it shows, though the others are understandably still worried.Please heed the tags of this fic.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton
Series: A Side of Sanders Shots [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1984643
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	Rise and Fall

Logan stepped out of his room rolling up his sleeves and nudging the door closed with his foot. Looking across the hall to one of his roommates' rooms. They lived in a fairly big apartment to accomodate all four of them since they had all decided to keep living together after college for companionship's sake. The doors were all decorated in accordance to their individual styles; Logan’s was a bit plainer with galaxy printed washi tape around a printed paper name plate. Patton’s of course was covered in bright stickers in all shapes and textures while Virgil’s looked like if you walked into his room you’d be expecting a Halloween store; bats, spiders and other dark decorations absolutely covered its surface. The one across from his own, Roman’s, waas a practical explosion compared to the other two however. The entire thing glittered which he had chastised the other about for months after he had done it since it had then covered the rest of the apartment in microscopic glittery pieces of foil that was impossible to vacuum all of no matter how many passes were made over the floor and other surfaces. Drawings and doodles from both Roman and Patton and less so from Virgil and Logan himself were taped and stickered on with a variety of differently printed materials. It was an absolute mess but today that was the furthest concern from Logan’s mind.

The actual concern was the fact that the door was shut tight, no source of light even shining from underneath the jam. Walking closer revealed that there was no sound to be heard from inside either. No music, no singing, no furious scratching of pens and pencils. Just complete silence that made Logan frown and file the observation away for later. It was only nine in the morning on a Saturday, it wouldn't be unusual for Roman to have a late morning to the start of his weekend and he refused to be worried about it when in reality he was probably the only one awake at this hour.

Moving down the hall with coffee and cartoons on his mind ehcocked his head as the first sound he’d heard this morning made itself known: rhythmic snapping. Raising his eyebrows he followed the sound to the living room, the sight before him catching him with surprise. 

Roman sat on the floor in front of the couch, music playing softly from his phone with coloring books stacked one side and colored pencils spread out on the other. He couldn't quite make out what was playing but he watched as Roman quietly mouthed along to the lyrics and snapped a rhythm with his other hand. He looked relaxed and happy, and the sight nearly made Logan tear up in the doorway. Instead he made his way to the side of the couch and cleared his throat to make his presence known, smiling more as Rooman turned and flashed his own genuine one his way. 

“Morning Pocket Protector. Did I wake you up?”

“No, I- I had my alarm set for 8:30. I thought everyone was still asleep; are you alright?”

Roman’s face softened somewhat as he nodded. “I’m fine Logan. Just got an early start this morning and wanted to relax.”

“Oh, well then by all means, don’t let me distract you.” Turning to go to the kitchen he stopped as Roman called for him.

“Hey wait! You don't have to leave nerd, I’d like the company if you wanna hang out.” He rummaged in his pile and grinned triumphantly as he found the one he was looking for, waving it for Logan to see. “I even have a coloring book for you if you want to join my creative hour!”

Anatomy by Color was shaken in front of his face, something Logan assumed had once been used as a studying tool by Roman before he had no longer needed it, having used that genre of coloring book himself in high school for Biology. Smiling he plucked it from Roman’s hands and turned on his heel, making a beeline for the kitchen before he could get distracted again. “Coffee first!” He offered over his shoulder as Roman laughed after him. Logan smiled wide as he heard the TV being switched on and moments later The Owl House theme being paused for him to come in when he was done. It had been a while since he had caught Roman enjoying a bit of free time and stimming along with music, and he was very glad for the tentative return to normal.

\-----

Later that day Roman heard clanking in the kitchen, smiling with a wince as he stretched and stood up from his cramped position on the floor. Logan had left after a few hours of binging their newest show with him and coloring in an old study book he still kept in his collection. Sweeping his pencils back into their box and stacking the books neatly in a pile he waltzed his way into the kitchen with his headphones still playing his playlist on loop. Shoving his hands in his pocket as he leaned against the doorframe he watched as Patton bustled around the kitchen gathering ingredients since it was his turn to make dinner that day. He could see a pile of potatoes in the sink waiting to be washed and a deep dish pan filled with chicken yet to be seasoned. Patton wasn’t...the best cook in their small group but he did try his hardest. Very often he ended up burning whatever he tried to make either trying to make sure it was truly cooked or because he forgot it was in the oven and the smoke alarm letting them all know that dinner was definitely ready. As a result the meals were usually simpler ones that required him to simply put them in the oven for an allotted amount of time and tell at least one other person so that they could keep track of the time together. 

Stepping into the kitchen, Rpman unplugged his headphones and set his phanoe down on the table as Patton turned around, the other giggling as Roman caught his heads and set them twirling around the kitchen in an improvised dance that had them both tripping over eachother and laughing like madmen until Roman stopped by the sink and bowed, rolling up his sleeves to wash the potatoes. 

“What kind of seasoning are you trying today Padre?”

Shaking out the last of his giggles Patton grabbed up the seasoning containers he had been grabbing before Roman entered. “Just something simple since movie night is later! Little bit of garlic and onion, some salt and pepper, and curry.”

“Sounds delicious Patton. You're getting better at mixing flavors.” Roman meant that genuinely, they had all improved drastically with their cooking, but Patton was making better and better dishes all the time, even if he did still burn half of what he tried to make.

“Thank you!” Patton beamed at him as he started on measuring out the spices, leaving Roman to scrub at the potatoes and start cutting them up to roast, both of them moving and shimmying to their own beat as the music continued to play. Roman missed however the many careful looks Patton shot him as they worked, smiling softly after each one seeing how truly happy he really seemed to be.

\-----

Virgil settled his chin atop his boyfriends fluffy head as they all got comfortable for movie night, bowls of customized, microwave popcorn in front of each of them with a shared bowl for Roman and Virgil nestled in the formers lap since they had the same taste. He squeezed around Roman’s middle gently causing him to squirm back into him and huff out a quiet laugh as the movie started. The opening notes of Cinderella started playing, an old favorite of all of them that they had voted on earlier and he could feel any lingering tension in the room leave as they all seemed to sigh contently at the same time. Roman was warm and relaxed in his arms and Virgil knew the soft smile that had been present on his lips all day would be there still even if he couldn’t see it. 

He reached for some popcorn at the same time as Roman but when he tried to pull away his hand was caught and brought up for a chaste kiss by the cheeky flirt in his arms, making his laugh softly and smack at his face before grabbing a big handful and shoving it in his mouth.

“You get popcorn crumbs in my hair and I will never forgive you.” Roman muttered quietly. 

Grinning Virgil wiped his lips before leaning his head down and planting a lingering kiss on top of his head. “Wouldn’t dream of it my Prince.”

Knowing Roman’s face would be scarlet he grinned devilishly and settled careful hands on the others hips, massaging slowly as they continued watching the movie, Logan and Patton politely pretending they didn’t hear anything over the film.

\-----

“Roman?” Virgil carefully closed the door behind him, biting his lip as he quickly opened his phone and went to his speed dials.Roman turned slightly and smiled, not at all easing the anxiety spiking in his chest as he watched Him shift slightly in his cross legged position on the wide roof railing. 

“I’m okay, I’m just sitting.”

“Yeah?” Virgil licked his lips nervously, putting his phone in his pocket but keeping it on. He had no idea how much delicacy this situation would need but if Roman needed him, he would be here. He tried not to feel too hurt that he hadn’t come to him before deciding the top of their apartment building was the best place to sit. 

“Yeah, here I’m sorry for making you nervous.” He breathed a grateful sigh of relief as Roman turned and slid off the short wall and made his way over to sit against the gate surrounding the satellite dish instead. Carefully walking over and sitting beside him, Virgil looked over to him attentively. He had seemed to be getting better, had been leaving his room and making things again, taking time to relax and slept on a more regular schedule. It didn’t take a monumental effort to get him to eat anymore and Virgil didn’t have to take junk food away from him at a two in the morning binge of hunger and try to convince him to eat just a small meal instead and to drink water. He had even been changing his clothes more regularly and the bags around his eyes were gone, stimming happily with music and smiling more. 

All that said Virgil had read there was a possibility it would get worse before anything got better, and even scarier that things could seem better before they got worse. Major depressive episodes weren’t anything to take lightly, Virgil definitely knew that which was why he had been trying so hard to keep an eye on his partner even more than usual. Did he feel smothered? Did he feel too babied? Not taken care of enough? Should he check in with him more often or was he being pushy already?

“You think really loud.” Roman voice snapped him out of his thoughts, making him shake his head and reach for his hand, grateful when it was gripped tightly between them. “I really am okay now Virge, you don’t have to worry so much.”

“I do anyway, you know that. You’ve been really busy lately both with work and what you work on after and I just- I’m afraid you’re pushing yourself.”

“I’m not.”

“Then why-” did you look like you were going to jump. The unspoken though made him tense and Roman squeezed his hand, offering him a small smile. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just...a mess.” Roman laughed and looked away, making Virgil’s heart clench. 

“You aren’t. Tell me what’s happening Ro.”

Roman breathed deeply and let it out in a whoosh of air. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately and it’s making me a little...scattered.”

Squeezing his hand again Virgil nodded. Thinking. He could handle thoughts. “Thinking about what?” He encouraged.

“Thinking that- things were a lot...easier when I was alone.” Roman pressed his lips together. “Before I met any of you, I could sit and wallow as much as I wanted. I could self-pity in peace without worrying anyone. It’s nice to have people that care about me and that I care about but now that I do- people would care if I left. I have people that would be disappointed and sad so I can’t- I can’t go. And sometimes that’s worse, for the most selfish reasons.”

“It isn’t selfish.” Virgil breathed out, earning a rueful smile.

“Not everyone would agree.” They sat in silence for a few minutes before Roman broke it again. “Before I met any of you I was very sad, all the time. There didn’t always have to be a reason sometimes I just...was. Nothing I did worked but I honestly didn’t try too hard. I didn’t feel like there was a need to. I just kind of existed. And I was always tired and sad and lonely, though I didn’t know I was the last one at the time. I isolated myself on purpose for whatever reason, it isn’t important now. I felt like I was nothing.”

He shifted closer to Virgil and Virgil detangled their fingers to wrap his arm around him instead, reaching across to hold his hand that way instead. Roman gratefully sank into the warmth before speaking up again.

“I’m not suicidal now, but I was then. I just turned numb to the idea I suppose. Almost like a ‘Well I’m not doing anything else’ sort of thing.” He let out a joyless laugh. “And then I got inspired again. I still wanted to die, that just got pushed to the background in favor of doing other things. I told myself I would still do it, I just had to finish some things first. But I never finished them.”

He shifted again to look up at Virgil. “I kept feeling guilty for leaving half finished projects so I told myself I had to finish those first. And then I met you, and Patton and Logan and I knew I couldn’t leave. I missed my chance, because I knew you all would be devastated. As much as I didn’t care about myself you three did ten times as hard for me. I got really sad again that I hadn’t been able to go through with it in time. And as happy as I am now, I’m frustrated because I thought I would be dead by now so I didn’t think there was any point in working on so many things I had ideas for, and now that I know I’m staying here there’s so many things I want to finish and start and it’s so much. I could have done so many things before this but I feel like I’m just getting started. It’s...overwhelming.”

Virgil sat in thought for a moment before speaking. “There’s nothing wrong with just getting started, especially if that means you're focused on those creative things that make you happy instead of the thoughts of wanting to end your life. As frustrating as you feel like it is, and as behind as you think you are, you don’t have a time limit anymore. You can do anything and everything you want, and take it one step at a time because you know you’ll still be here tomorrow.”

Leaning down Virgil planted a soft kiss on Roman’s forehead. “I’m really proud of you that you were able to find something to keep you here, and I couldn’t be happier that Logan, Patton and I can care for you.”

Roman hummed and turned his face into the hoodie covered chest, scrunching his face as the rough stitching scratch at it. “I’m happy I’m here too, especially with the three of you.”

Resting his cheek on Roman’s head, Virgil squeezed tightly around the others shoulders in an awkward half hug. They’d definitely have to talk about this tomorrow, preferably with their other roommates so they all knew how to move forward with Roman’s mental state, but for now it was enough to simply hold him close. And be.


End file.
